One Missed Chance
by August12
Summary: Post Fitz's shooting. Olivia's thoughts after each episode. My first story.
1. Chapter 1

Author Note: This is my first story: reviews are welcome. Thanks to the awesome **burtneymac95** who pre-read this story and gave me some great feedback- loving all our debates over Scandal. Please feel free to pm me about Scandal or any other shows I do not own Scandal or any of its characters- all credit goes to the amazing Shonda Rhimes and co.

The screams were incessant. All around me, the Secret Service were scrambling to find him and Mellie and get them to safety. But as a break in the crowds emerged, I knew it was too late. There he was on the floor, bleeding, fading. I could feel my world imploding. I am a fixer. That is my job. Yet I knew as soon as I saw him that my gladiator shell cracked and I wouldn't be able to fix this.

I had tried so hard to push him away and when he finally let me go, I felt hideous. My gut is never wrong. Period. It has been telling me to rid myself of him. However, when it comes down to decisions revolving around Fitz, my gut always misleads me. He is the one person who is able to make me doubt myself and question my integrity. But now, facing the possibility of truly losing him, I understand how stupid I was and that maybe his influence on my instinct is pivotal to how I function. And perhaps I need someone who will make me question my actions.

I arrived at the hospital and witnessed firsthand the aftermath of the tragedy. This should have been a joyous occasion. The night should have been a celebration of 50 years of Fitz, it should have been a time when the American people could unite and most importantly, we should have had our "one-minute."

Unfortunately, we're here. The smell is intoxicating. There is too much blood- his blood and all I can do is wait in the shadows because even though he loves me, I am not Mellie. I am not the First Lady. I have no public claim to him. Instead, I am relegated to the waiting room and cannot intrude on America's grieving, on her grieving. The pain is unbearable. Verna always said that we "breathe in sync," but today, one half of the whole is struggling to breathe and the other cannot breathe for two.

We need him to recover. I need him to survive. I want him back.

It's a dangerous game that we play, tempting fate and trying to control our destiny. But still, we play, we roll the dice, and we hope for a second chance. We solemnly declare that we will never waste our lives again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Pleas review- they are welcome. Disclaimer: I do not own Scandal or any of its characters, all credit to Shonda Rhimes and co.**

48. That was how many stars were on his pin. My pin. Our pin. It was also the number of times that I had sat and counted them in the past half hour. Mellie had placed it by his side ready for him to reclaim when he awoke because it was just a symbol of his presidency but for me, it was symbolic of our love and everything we have.

Mellie had finally conceded and allowed me to sit with him while she went for her ultrasound- an act that she had, as of yet, steadfastly refused to have done. Had Fitz and I been left alone for a half hour in the past there is no doubt that we would have taken full advantage of it. One of the greatest things about us is that it wasn't just the physical side that made us fit together, it's the fact that we rely on each other, we trust each other and we belong to one another. Yet as I sit here now, hand in hand, just the two of us, I can't help but wish that it could stay like this. I wish he would wake up.

In all the years I've known him and been with him I have never once allowed myself to contemplate a future with him because he has always been away, far away. I never even allowed it when he offered to resign; it was simply not an option. Yet somehow my mind is drifting and it's drifting to a place that I find myself craving, no, yearning for…

SCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDAL SCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDAL 

The sun is shining down on me and glistening off the ring perched on my left hand. I never thought of myself as the type to be engaged and happy at the same time, I mean sure I'd been engaged to Edison but I was never one hundred per cent content. I always had that feeling in my gut that it wasn't right, that it wasn't a complete fit but now, looking down at this ring, it feels comfortable almost as if it had been there my entire life.

He had said that he would woo me. That we would be able to do all of the things we had never been able to do under the guise of President and Fixer. So that's what he did and that's what he continues to do. As I stand at my window, I see him walking up the path with flowers in hand and that damn smile of his, emblazoned across his face because tonight is date night. He walks up to the door and knocks.

SCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDAL SCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDAL 

The knocking continues and I jolt awake from my reverie. I turn around and see an extremely irate looking Mellie outside of the room, knocking fiercely on the window. I quickly disentangle our hands; give him one last lingering look and slide out past Mellie. This is not the place nor the time for her and I to fight over Fitz, instead he needs us both to be strong and fight for him where he cannot.

He needs Mellie to stand her ground as the First Lady. He needs her as the mother of his children. Most of all he needs me. He needs me as his Fixer. He needs me as his confidante. He needs me as his other half.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer- I do not own Scandal or any of its affiliates. All rights belong to Shonda Rhimes and co.**

It was as if every light was on green, I noticed, as I sped down the street. Every light shining like a beacon calling out to me, calling me home. He was awake.

The weeks of holding everything in, tip toeing around Mellie and around myself had culminated in one breathy, longed for "Hi." As soon as those words reached my ears it was like I could function again, like every part of my body was able to move, think and breathe. That's why I was driving in haste to reach the hospital, that's why every light was on green; it was like a sign from the universe telling me that this was meant to be.

I knew I had to get to the hospital. I knew I had to be the person who broke the news to the staff, to America and to the world, the news that President Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III was alive and awake. I also knew that he needed me yet, not so unlike the people I "fix" things for, the people who lie and cheat for their own gain; there was a purely unadulterated selfish reason for my being there. I needed him. I wanted him. I longed for him.

So that is why I'm here, standing outside his door. Tom is next to me, waiting for me to put my hand on the door and just push it open. Instead of the lights calling me home, it was him. The pull that has always existed between us is calling out to me. Calling me, pulling me in for our belated one minute. So I gather myself, I brace myself and I push the door. All it takes is thirty seconds, thirty seconds to see his smiling face awaken at my presence; thirty seconds and I'm home.


	4. Chapter 4

**Usual disclaimers apply: all characters and plotlines belong to Shonda Rhimes and co. **

"Say you'll wait for me."

One sentence. Five words. Seventeen letters.

It sounds so simple when you break it down like that. It sounds uncomplicated and devoid of any importance. Yet, string it together and it weighs down on you like an impossible load that you can't carry any more.

I had waited for him. I still am waiting. I don't know why I can't seem to escape him or why I can't get some normal. All I know is I am tired. I am tired of torturing myself- of torturing us both. I am tired of deceiving him. I am tired of lying to myself too, of trying to fool myself that the more I fix things for people the more the guilt will ease and my repentance can begin, but most of all I am tired of the charade. The charade that he will be mine. That a divorce will "fix" the problem- it won't.

I have a chance at normality and a chance to escape the Beltway; a chance to run from the lies, the deception, the upheavals and the scandals. I was considering it too. A life of simplicity in the wake of tumult was calling me and I was ready to answer, at least until I heard that one sentence. Those five words. Those seventeen letters.

"Say you'll wait for me."

How can he govern my life so? I am independent. I am good. I am brilliant yet, one command from him and I crumble. I doubt myself and I mistrust my gut. Everything becomes a haze of fog and all I can see is him, all I can hear is him and it scares me.

Yes I had a chance at escape, a shot at normality with Edison but he's not Fitz. He never could be.

Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present. I will always be bound to Fitz; he owns me and he controls me, just as I do him. He may have said it was my choice to wait for him but, he and I both know- any will power I had regarding Fitzgerald Grant was lost the day I met him.

**"Our lives are not our own" quote from David Mitchell- Cloud Atlas.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Scandal- all rights etc belong to Shonda Rhimes and co.**

**Author Note: Thanks for the reviews, they're always welcome. I'm glad you are all so invested in the show- what did you think about 2x13? It was definitely an episode of epic proportions!**

A gladiator does not have feelings. A gladiator does not show weakness in the face of a challenge. A gladiator does not mourn their defeat. It doesn't make a difference. No matter how many times I repeat myself, the tears won't stop falling because I've lost him. I've lost us.

I had finally allowed myself to be vulnerable, allowed my entire being belong to Fitz and now, that painful, difficult and devastating love I had craved, the feelings that I had wanted it to evoke were all too real. He was gone.

It's ironic that the morbid feelings of love I desired in order to feel alive, were the very reasons that today I felt dead.

I had pledged to wait for him. I was ready to give my life to him, to give my soul to him and instead, he spurned me and admonished me.

"Screwing your mistress is one thing, marrying her; that's political suicide."

The words echoed around my head, much like the memories of what had been and the dreams of what could have been. Our relationship had been the complete antithesis of a political one; it had been a relationship of love, of equality and of respect. Now here he was, trivializing it to a sordid affair that would bring about the demise of his previously unwanted political career.

Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III is my Achilles' heel. He is my weakest spot; he is the crack that has the ability to damage my entire gladiator suit but I cannot refuse him. I love him, perhaps too much. Everything I did with Defiance was for him; everything I do is always for him. I know I had the best intentions but I also knew it would hurt him. I knew it would break him, but I don't think I fully appreciated how much breaking him would break me too.

The price some have paid has been vast, others have yet to atone and receive their comeuppance but for me, the penalty has been shared between two. Whilst I may have lost my integrity and my love, the biggest loser is Fitz. He has lost his place, his way, his faith and most importantly, his innocence.

I may feel sorrowful about my own state and I lament my own losses but above all, I feel shameful that I have destroyed a man's life; a man whom I professed to love, whom I supported and believed in.

I cannot "fix" a situation that I broke. I cannot repair Fitz because I broke him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Scandal or any characters.**

Reviews are greatly appreciated and welcome.

Ftzgerald Thomas Grant III. Never had I thought that name with so much contempt as what I do today. He had told me never to call myself his mistress, never to belittle myself and for a time I had followed his orders. I had believed myself to be his friend, his lover, and his equal; there was no Sally Hemings and Thomas Jefferson element to our relationship, we belonged to each other. That was all true until today. Today I left that christening feeling dirty, used and bound inextricably to Fitzgerald Grant.

The moment I fled the room and heard the familiar footsteps behind me, I knew I was being hunted like a common piece of prey, the second that he grabbed my arm and I saw those grey eyes pierce through me, I knew that I was trapped. We can both pretend that we both wanted it and came together out of a desire to try and regain what we felt for each other. The truth is that although I have missed him and longed for him, I felt like I needed to make amends and that was one of the only ways I could convey the depth and sincerity of my feelings. For him however, it was not about desire or even love it was simply lust. Lust, anger and a need to assert his power over me; the power he felt we had falsely given him and that I had stripped from him.

Fitz was no longer the man that I had campaigned for and that I fell in love with. Today proved that, he took me with a force I have never known and he scarred me with his words. I knew he was different. He is forever altered. But I am no longer the same woman. I too am different, never to revert to whom I was. I am through protecting him, his to call upon, his to command and his to govern. From today I am my own person when it comes to all matters Grant. Never more shall he make me mistrust my gut; never again will I allow him to reduce me to a shell.

It's true that things can be fixed; some things are destined to be fixed but our story is perhaps not one of those. If a relationship cannot be fixed then it was not meant to be, if it could have been salvaged then I would have done it because I am Olivia Pope. I fix things.


	7. Chapter 7

Author note: Sorry it's taken me so long to update. Things have been chaotic as of late and the month long hiatus did not do much for my creativity, hence the very short chapter. This is based off of 2x15 and I'm hoping to upload 2x16 before this coming Thursday. I would love to hear all of your thoughts on the back off of the season as we go and as always reviews are greatly appreciated! Even for such short chapters!

**SCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDAL SCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDAL SCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDAL SCANDALSCADNALSCANDAL**

Everything that I said on that terrace was true. Stolen moments are nothing. They are not a life together, they are not real and they are certainly not some epic romance. Stolen moments are dirty, they are lies and they are evil. They build you up high enough just so that, when the reality sinks in and he disappears back to his wife, they knock you down so hard that you have to fight to pick yourself up again.

It's true that I've been a statue frozen in time but only because I wanted to be there, I allowed myself to be put in a position where Fitz could leave waiting and hanging on his every movement.

I didn't want to be anywhere else because I knew that anywhere else was a place that Fitz wouldn't be.

As much as I miss him and yearn for him, I know it will never be. He's too broken to even want to be fixed and frankly, I don't want to fix him. I know that if I repair him, if I repair us, he'll go back to owning me and I'll go back to waiting each night for him whilst he lives out his days with Mellie and their children.

We had one chance to make it work. I had one chance to allow him to throw everything away and one chance to be something other than his stolen moment. I missed it. We missed it. One missed chance and our path was forever altered.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author Note:** Hey guys- Happy Scandal Thursday! Here's my take on "Top of the Hour," I hope you like it- reviews always appreciated!

I admit that I did the wrong thing for the right reason.

I thought that the ends justified the means.

I thought I was giving him what he wanted, what he needed.

From the moment I met him, my gut had told me that Fitzgerald Grant was destined to be great that it was his future to govern. I listened to my gut and more importantly, I believed in him and in what he could be. That was why I did it.

I knew it would hurt him if he found out, so I prayed that he never would.

It would be a lie to say that I completely regret what I did. I don't. I am sorry for how it was done, for what I had to do to him, but I do not regret giving him the chance to be the man I knew he could be.

**SCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDAL SCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDAL **

As the days and the months pass by, I find I'm slowly piecing myself back together- at least I am until I hear his voice again. His voice still resonates within my hollow walls and each time I hear the hurt, the flame of my betrayal flares up again.

I know I have to come to terms with what I did. It's like I said to Sarah, if you can't apologize to the one you hurt then you at least have to apologize to yourself and move on.

So I'm trying. I'm trying to move on from our history, move past our present and grieve over our future.

It is lonely, being alone with your thoughts but there are things that help. Jake helps me.

I'm still not quite sure where it will go, if it will go anywhere; all I know is that he makes me feel alive. For the first time in months I feel that spark returning, I feel like the old Olivia Pope and I like it. I like it a lot.


End file.
